Welcome back to our conversation on relationships, called 'The Unavoidable Adventure: Life with People.'  We call it that because life with people isn’t avoidable; we need people in our lives, and it isn’t easy - it’s often the most challenging area of our lives, making it quite an adventure.  This year, as we approach the holidays, we wanted to have a conversation on this challenging area of our lives that goes beyond tips and techniques, but could have some real depth, equipping us to live and love well.  If you have been following along with this series, you probably noticed that we aren’t staying on the surface and giving you tips and techniques so you can get through or survive your moments with people with as little stress and tension as possible, we are getting to the source of these issues, so that we can live and love on a whole new level, which if you think about it, is the very way a Christian is to be living and loving, but it’s so rare to see Christians get to that place where they can live and love well, and we are discovering why, and also what we can do about it.  And I will say this, while this may seem a little unnerving to dive into real things like this, where it can take us, is exciting, because it can lead us the very life Jesus told us He came to give us all along, that life to the full that so many who love God want, but never experience because they aren’t willing or open to follow Him into the real stuff, the heart stuff in life.  If this is a little unsettling, my encouragement is to stick with it; it is worth it.

In week one, we introduced the concept of our origin story. We all come from somewhere, we all have a past, an upbringing, and a family or origin, which is the most powerful way our lives are shaped.  Then, last week, Ken took that concept and used the analogy of wet cement. Do you remember that?  He said that, like wet cement, when we are kids, our families make an imprint on us, and as we become adults, the cement hardens.  Then we live out that imprint without giving it much thought.  Ken showed us five realities that become the foundation for us as we learn to live and love well.

·        Reality #1: It’s unavoidable; our family impacts who we are and how we live.

·        Reality #2: When we surrender our lives to Jesus, we enter a new family.

·        Reality #3: It is hard because it’s not natural to us, so we must begin the process of putting off our old life and putting on a new one. 

·        Reality #4: The problem is that most of us don’t want to do the work of discipleship.

·        Reality #5: We can do something!  Real spirituality is when we do something. 

Now that we understand the power of our origin story and its impact on our lives, we will spend the next three weeks examining how our family of origin continues to influence our lives and relationships today.  So, you could say we are applying the theory we learned in the first two weeks and showing you what it looks like and how it affects your ability or inability to live and love well.  This is where it gets real, because we all feel this in our lives, and maybe we couldn’t put it into words, or even realize it is going on, but we feel it, and now we are going to have the opportunity to do something about it. 

Today, we will discuss three important areas of our lives that are influenced by our origin story: discernment, discipleship, and differentiation.  Discernment is our ability to hear from God.  Discipleship is our ability to grow and mature in our faith, grasping the fullness of what God has done for us through Jesus (The Gospel), and Differentiation is our ability to live in our true self, holding onto our values and unique identity while dealing with people, basically, you are true to who you are and the same person in every environment.  Our origin stories greatly impact these three D’s, which are essential if we are going to live and love well.  So, I’m going to ask you a few questions now, which I just want you to think about as we dive into this today. 

First question: Are you able to be the real you, the God created you in every environment of your life?  Can you be the same person here at church that you are at work, that you are at home, that you are when you are alone?   This is differentiation, standing in our true self, not living a false life or acting, or just being pulled around by life and people; it’s essential.  Many issues in our lives, faith communities, and relationships stem from our inability to differentiate and live authentic lives.  Acting and pretending, living in the false self, never ends well.  And we will learn today that the fantastic news of the Gospel is that, through Jesus, we don’t have to act or pretend; we can be ourselves. 

Second question: Are you able to hear God in your life?  Can you distinguish the voice of God from all those other voices you hear in your heart and mind each day?  This is discernment. We have so many messages hitting our hearts and minds each day, and a lot of them aren’t from God.  We also have this powerful system in our lives, our family of origin, that has impacted our most formative years. Through that time, we can accept certain messages as truth about life and about ourselves.  We all have deeply embedded messages in our lives, and they need to be addressed.  This is the wet cement imprint that Ken spoke of last week, which hardens over time.  Some messages can be healthy and positive, but many are not. As we agree with them, they become deeply ingrained in our lives and shape how we perceive ourselves, life, others, and even God.  These messages just feel like who we are, and I don’t know why, but the negative messages seem so much easier to believe than the positive ones.  Here are some examples of negative messages that we hear and accept.  “I’m not good enough. I’m not lovable. I don’t deserve happiness.  I’m a failure.  I can’t do anything right.  I’m a loser. I don’t fit anywhere in life.  I’m all alone.”  It’s amazing but most of these messages bring us back to the idea that we just aren’t enough,  and if we don’t discern these messages and see them for what they are, we agree with them, and once we do that and view ourselves through these messages we go out into life and this world and the people of it keep proving those messages right, we just keep getting them confirmed over and over again, it is brutal.  We just seem to find what we are looking for.  It happens over and over again. We go out into life with these agreements that we just keep proving right.  The person who feels unworthy of love goes out and gets hurt, proving this agreement right time and time again.  The person who is convinced they will be rejected finds rejection. The person who feels like a failure goes out and finds it…and on and on we could go.  This is brutal.  These messages that we accept continue to be lived out and proven right, until to us it’s just who we are.  So what do we do?  Well, that leads me to my third question. 

Third question: Are you able to allow The Gospel (what God has done for you through Jesus) to shape your life, how you view yourself, and how you view other people?  This is discipleship.  It’s the slow process of growing, healing, and connecting to God in such a way that instead of the world, pasts, and upbringings shaping how we see ourselves, life, and other people, God does.  As discipleship unfolds, we come to understand just how far and impactful what Jesus did for us truly is.  Yes, we are going to heaven! I mean, eternal life is amazing, but we also get a new life, a new identity, a new family, and a new purpose.  We get a whole new way of seeing ourselves and other people! But this new life is rare; I just don’t think many of us are doing the consistent, daily work of discipleship to grasp just how large and far-reaching the Gospel truly is.

Last Question: When you look in the mirror, what do you see looking back at you?   Do you see what God sees, or do you see what life, your hurts, this world, and your experiences have told you that you are?  God says you are CHOSEN, HOLY, AND DEARLY LOVED. Is that what you see in yourself? 

In our first discipleship class, Pete Scazzero spoke to us about the impact our origin stories have on our lives and the lives of others. At one point, he made a statement that has really stuck with me.

“We hang in there with people, many of whom carry a lifetime of internalized shame. They are convinced (wrongly) that God finds them a disappointment, failure, and/or a disgrace…they walk with a deep feeling that God disapproves of us, under a general cloud of guilt and shame.” Pete Scazzero

This impacts me for a few reasons. First, he is referring to Christians, people who have accepted Jesus and share the good news of God’s love and grace. It’s sad to think that Pete is describing the majority, not the rare few.  This is the condition most of us walk through life in.  This is the condition of people who are meant to live life to the full, not under a general cloud of guilt and shame.  It also impacts me because I know this condition well, this cloud of guilt and shame, this feeling like I’m not enough, and I have lived in it most of my life.  And I would go out on a limb and say that most of us can relate to the feelings of coming up short, failure, guilt, shame, and that general disapproval from God and others.  In fact, most of us can probably relate to the examples of negative messages we read earlier, finding them so much easier to accept than what God would say about us.  It’s because we know ourselves really well.  We know our sins, our issues, and where we fall short.  We know the things others don’t know about us, and all the insecurities and things we hide from others, well, we can’t hide from ourselves…we know, and it all speaks so loudly in our lives.   Can I tell you something? It’s not ironic that we can all relate to this feeling – it is the human condition, that's life, and it’s why spending time with God and growing in Him is so important.  So, we can take off the old life and step into the new.  We can’t do that if we aren’t allowing Jesus into all our lives; we have to let the Gospel into more than just our eternal destination.  Most Christians accept Jesus into their lives and believe that is the finish line. We focus on the incredible victory Jesus won for us, conquering sin and death so we can experience eternal life in heaven…and we should!  However, we don’t allow the Gospel to shape who we are, how we live, or how we see ourselves and others.  But wow, does life free up when we do.  We must understand that the Gospel is bigger than we think. Yes, it saves and gives us a new eternal destiny to look forward to, but it also creates new people in a new family, giving us a new way to live, to view ourselves and others. 

We will spend the remainder of our time today in Colossians 3:1-17, because this is exactly what Paul is trying to help us see.  Let’s take our time, slow down, and truly see what Paul is teaching here.  Let’s start with the structure of this writing, which is important and a bit unique. We need to read this from the middle out; otherwise, we will never be able to live it out.  It starts with two things we are to set our hearts and minds on, and ends with two things we need to let the peace and message of Christ do in our lives.  I think those two “SETS” and two “LETS” are perfect bookends to Paul’s teaching here.  Now, after the pair of “SETS”, we get a list of things we should no longer do; they were old life things.  I think it’s important to see that the old life, what NOT to do comes first, then later we get the list of what we should do now that we are living in the new life, which comes right before our pair of “LETS.”  But, in between what we should not do and what we should do is one line that is easy to read past, hard to see, even harder to accept in our lives, but becomes the most important line of the whole teaching, and it is so intentionally placed before we get the list of how we live today.  That line is all about our identity.  Who we are, our true self, the person God says we are, not who we think we are, not who the world says we are, not what we feel like we are, but the truth of who we are in Christ, our true identity.   This is where we start this study, in the middle, with three things about you that I want you to see, feel, and accept about yourself.

Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved… NIV

Ok, this is big.  I want you to hear this, feel this, and try this on for size in your own life.  You are CHOSEN, HOLY (SET APART FOR A HIGHER PURPOSE), AND DEARLY LOVED.  Could this be true?  It’s hard to accept, isn’t it?  This isn’t what the world says about you, is it?  This isn’t how we feel at times, is it?  Do you believe this to be true about you?  You are chosen, set apart, and dearly loved. Ok, we will come back to this. Let’s walk through this incredible section of Scripture, which starts with our two “SETS.”

Colossians 3:1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. NIV

We are to set our hearts and minds on things above, not on earthly things.  While this isn’t easy to do in a world that distracts us from the things of God, I think we recognize the importance of this, even if it isn’t something we are doing; I think we know we should. But Paul doesn’t stop there; he tells us why we should set our hearts and minds on things of God.

Colossians 3:3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. NIV

It never takes Paul long to remind us of what Jesus did for us, and once again, he brings us right back to the heart of the Gospel message.  Now, because of this, Paul says we should stop doing some things.

Colossians 3:5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.  7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.  NIV

This was the life we once lived, and we no longer live that way. Then he says something interesting about living honest and authentic lives, hitting on the concept of the old self that we have shed, and the new self, which is being renewed in the image of God…

Colossians 3:9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. NIV

When we hear don’t lie to one another, most of us think we are good here because we try not to lie to people, but it doesn’t mean we are being honest either.  This is bigger than not telling lies; it is about living in the new, true self, not the old, false one. When we live false lives, projecting and protecting an image, we aren’t being honest, and quite frankly, it’s where so much goes wrong in relationships.  Paul is saying that Christian’s don’t live this way…we live as real, true people.  We are shedding the false self and learning to live in the new!  Paul is saying, 'Don’t keep living in the old self!' Be transformed by the love of God so you can live in your true self! God made you unique with a purpose that is yours, which you can’t experience if you don’t rid yourself of the old and put on the new self, which is a process of learning who you are in Christ.  Listen, this old, false self we project happens when you find your love and worth in things outside of Jesus. You look externally at how you were raised for a value system that is a lie…you look at material things, popularity, power, and none of that matters to God!  We seem way more concerned with how people see us than how God sees us. We seem to try to find our value in accomplishments and how we perform.  It’s a challenging thing to work through because we have a family of origin that sends us messages about what or how we will matter or fall short. Not only does our family do this to us, but our culture, the world, and the people of it do too.  It’s tough!  And the tragedy is, if we find our identity in the wrong things, we lose our true selves.  Think about it…what the world says is good, important, and valued is so opposite to what God says is good, important, and valued.  So much damage is done in relationships and communities when we are false and not putting on the new.  As we shed our old selves and put on the new, learning and growing into the true self in Christ, we learn something very important.  We don’t view people the way we used to. 

Colossians 3:11 Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.  NIV

What Paul is saying is that because we are shedding the old and being made new in Christ, we don’t see people the way we used to.  When we allow Jesus to lead, shape, and form us rather than this world, we see people through the lens of the Gospel.  We don’t see races or nationality.  We don’t see religious differences.  We don’t see classes of people.  We don’t see wealthy and poor, there is no insider and no outsider…we don’t see I’m right, you're wrong, I’m in, you’re out.  We see everyone as equal.  CHRIST IS ALL AND IS IN ALL. Not only do we see others in a new way, but we also gain a new way to see ourselves. 

Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved…NIV

Please try to feel and accept that you are CHOSEN, SET APART FOR A HIGHER PURPOSE, AND DEARLY LOVED!  Now, because we are chosen, set apart, and dearly loved, we live a new way…

Colossians 3:12 …clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. NIV

So, as God’s chosen, set apart, and dearly loved people, this is how we now live and love others.  We are compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, and patient.  We bear with each other and forgive just as God forgives us…and over all other things we love.  And we can say this, that it is not an easy way to live, but it sounds great, doesn’t it?  Well, I would say it isn’t just difficult, it’s impossible if we can’t accept that we are CHOSEN, SET APART, and DEARLY LOVED!  That is who you are, which is a truth you will never accept if you aren’t setting your hearts on things above rather than earthly things, and if you don’t engage these two LET’s at the end of our study. 

Colossians 3:15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.NIV

We set our hearts and minds on things above, not on Earthly things. We let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts and let the word of Christ live richly and deeply in us.  We do it all in His name, allowing the Gospel Message to reach beyond our eternal destiny but into how we view ourselves, how we view others, and how we live our lives.  Do you see it?  This is so powerful, so freeing, and so few make this shift from I’m a Christian saved by Jesus, heading to Heaven someday, to someone who is growing into the true self, putting off the old, and putting on the new self, able to see themselves through the beautiful lens of the Gospel, as Chosen, Set Apart, and Dearly Loved.  Able to see people not through our humanness but as equals in Christ, because He is all and is in all.  But I keep saying, it’s rare to see people reach the point where they can live out a life that we can all admit we would want!  Why?  Because this world is a challenging place, and from the moment we step into it, we are being shaped and formed.  We all have messages that have been imposed on us about our self-worth and self-view that impact our lives in major ways. These messages also shape how we view and value others and how we live our lives.  And what I believe Paul is trying to help us with today is that what Jesus did for us —the good news Gospel Message—is way bigger than we think.  We are so grateful for the eternal destiny, and His victory over sin and death, it truly is amazing grace…but we must also keep growing and spending time with God which over time allows us to experience the fullness of what Jesus did for us, because the Gospel also gives us a new way to see ourselves, to see others and to live our lives.  Isn’t that amazing?  

So let me ask you this.  How did it feel to hear that you are CHOSEN, SET APART, and DEARLY LOVED? Can you accept that fact, you are CHOSEN, SET APART, and DEARLY LOVED?  Are you allowing the Gospel to shape how you see others?  Listen, if you aren’t willing to SET your heart and mind on things above rather than earthly things, it won’t happen.  If you aren’t willing to LET the peace of Christ and the Message of Christ consume your life and lead you, it won’t happen.  So think about this today…what do you believe about yourself?  Who are you?  Are you who God says you are, or are you who this world tells you that you are?  Think back to our three D’s today.  Are you able to hear and distinguish the voice of God from other voices in your heart and mind?  (That’s Discernment) Are you able to be the same person in every environment, standing in your true self?  That’s Differentiation.  Are you able to see and experience the full work of The Gospel in your life?  Does what Jesus did for you shape and change your life, how you live, how you see and value yourself, and how you see and value others? That’s discipleship. I want to close a little differently today, and I’d like us to pray through Colossians 3:1-17.

Dear Heavenly Father, Help me to live out Colossians 3:1-17.  Help me, Lord, to set my heart and mind on you.  Help me to get rid of that old way of living with all those earthly ways, desires, and instincts.  Lord, help me not to lie but to continue shedding off the false self and putting on the true self.  Lord help me embrace who you say I am: CHOSEN, SET APART, and DEARLY LOVED.  Help me to see myself and others through you, Christ is all and is in all.  Lord, help me to live in this new life, to forgive and love well. A life I can’t experience without you in me.  Lord God, I ask that your peace and your message dwell in me, Lord, filling my heart, mind, and soul. Thank you, Lord, I am so thankful for your love, goodness, and healing. It’s in your name that I pray, Lord.  Amen.