Today we continue to talk about relationships.
Before we jump into today, I want us to take a second, pull back to see the big picture. We created Mountain Ridge Church to be the church that is passionate, relentless, and unapologetic about reaching people far from God. Why would we do that? Why would we create a place that isn’t about our comfort but instead is a place that focuses on others? Because we wanted to join Jesus in what He was doing.
Luke 19:10 Jesus said, “For the Son of Man came to find and restore the lost.”
For me personally, Jesus changed my life. When I first heard about the grace of Jesus it was almost too good to be true. It dramatically changed my life. And when we were asked to start a new church, I knew immediately that we were going to be a church that sold out. A church that would be unapologetically focused on people who need to experience the grace of Jesus. And that’s why we built MRC.
Our vision at MRC is the most important thing we could be a part of and here’s why. Because everyone will stand before God someday. We call that judgement day. This day is so serious, when we hear about it, it should give us a holy reverence or fear about our relationship with God. It should wake us up because on that day God will look into the book of life to see if our names are listed.
I want to explain something that seems to confuse people. Christians say, being saved is easy. We say, Jesus paid the price for us. We say, all you need to do is believe in Jesus and repent of our sins. And all that is true. Our faith makes us right with God.
Galatians 2:16 We know very well that we are not set right with God by rule-keeping but only through personal faith in Jesus Christ. MSG
The problem is that people think accepting Jesus as their savior is the finish line. And from that day forward, Jesus will do everything, and they can just coast and try not to sin. And that’s not true. Accepting Jesus isn’t the finish line, it’s the starting line. You now begin the journey to learn what it means to become like Jesus. We call that discipleship. And honestly, that can be hard because the process demands that we make intentional choices.
Ephesians 4:22-24 Everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. MSG
Please hear me. It is extremely important to have Jesus as your personal savior and that can be easy. Remember, it’s not the finish line, it’s the starting line. It is also extremely important to surrender your life daily so God can reproduce His character in you. And that can be hard.
What can happen if we do the easy thing, accept Jesus, and not the hard thing, discipleship that leads to choices, we won’t be prepared to live life as a disciple of Jesus. We may fall away or become lukewarm. Lukewarm just means we are indifferent about the things of God. We have little to no passion for our relationship with Jesus, the church, and reaching people far from God.
The reason we are doing this series called The Journey to Freedom and Courage, it’s discipleship. It helps us live life as a disciple of Jesus. It helps us face the hard things in life and deal with them. If we don’t engage in discipleship and make intentional choices, we will just be making a hard life harder.
We said we must align our life with God. We answered, where is Jesus when hard times hit? Where is Jesus when I am lonely? How do I slow down? What is spiritual maturity? What’s the big deal about Self-promotion? We talked about prayer.
Then last week Sam shifted our series. We are now talking about relationships. Sam talked about the two things we need to love well. We must choose the hard things and make room in our lives to love.
Today we talk about assumptions. Why do we make assumptions? You have a kid on a sports team and the coach picks another kid to be a starter and play more. What do you assume? It’s political. You’re at work and corporate, which is in another state, makes a change. And what corporate demands makes no sense where you are. What do you assume? They’re idiots who don’t know the first thing about what they are doing. You are married and your spouse lets you down yet again. You wanted sex, you wanted a weekend away but yet again, it doesn’t happen. What do you assume? Chances are, you assume the worst. Something like, they don’t like you, they care about others more than you, and on and on.
Here is why we make assumptions. Something happens that we don’t like or it doesn’t make sense, and we must make sense of it. So, we make a guess as to what is really happening. And when we make a guess, that guess isn’t based on truth or reality.
This is important, please hear me say what happens next. The moment we make a guess, we leave reality and create a fake world. We then live in this fake world. I like to joke and say, we live in a land filled with unicorns, fairies, and Umpa Lumpas. That’s just a funny analogy to bring home the point, when we guess or make assumptions about people, we create and live in a fake world. And we have no idea what the truth really is.
You have already experienced this – haven’t you? This happens every day in relationships. The fact is, if people are involved, assumptions are being made. We see this in marriages, school, the community, church, where you work, everywhere. Something happens that you don’t like, or it doesn’t make sense and immediately, we make a guess to make sense of what happened. How do we know what happened or why it happened? We don’t, we just assume we know. That’s when we create and live in a fake world.
Here is the big point today, one of the fastest ways you can ruin a relationship is when you make an assumption and never verify the truth. I want to walk you through a story that reveals the damage assumptions create.
1 Samuel 18:6-9, 12-19
6 When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with tambourines and lutes. 7 As they danced, they sang: “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.”
8 Saul was very angry; this refrain galled him. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?” 9 And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David.
The first thing we see is assumptions wreck our emotions. Did you see what happened to Saul? He’s angry and jealous of David. Why? Because Saul assumed the people would want to make David king. Something was happening that Saul didn’t like and he needed to make sense of it. So, Saul makes a guess as to what would happen in the future. It’s not based on truth; it was based on a guess.
What happened? Saul left reality. He created and lived in a fake world. He’s living in the land of unicorns, fairies, and Umpa Lumpas. Because Saul made an assumption, what happened to his emotions? He is an emotional mess filled with anger and jealousy. Think about that. Everyday Saul could be at peace but because of an assumption, he now lives with anger and jealousy. What did Saul do? He made a hard life, harder.
Before we move on, I must ask you, is there someone or is there a church or club or work or sports team you are upset about? Did you make an assumption and never verified the truth? What assumptions have you made about them? Have you noticed that the moment you made that assumption, it began to wreck your emotions? How many of you have driven to work having an imaginary argument with that person? Are you today, right now, walking in negative emotions over an assumption you have made?
Key point to think through here, maybe the negative emotions you are walking with are there because of you. You could be walking in peace but because you made a guess, and assumption, you have allowed negative emotions in.
Let’s keep reading to see what happens to Saul. Next verse.
1 Samuel 18:12 Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with David but had left Saul. 13 So he sent David away from him and gave him command over a thousand men, and David led the troops in their campaigns. 14 In everything he did he had great success, because the LORD was with him.
15 When Saul saw how successful he was, he was afraid of him. 16 But all Israel and Judah loved David, because he led them in their campaigns.
The second thing we see is that assumptions make it impossible to love others well. Saul becomes afraid of David. What does he do, he gives David a promotion and sends him away. But David’s success grows and it continues to make Saul more afraid of David. David is now a threat. Saul can not treat David well.
Let’s make this personal. Think about that person or organization that brings up negative emotions inside of you. How do you treat them? Chances are, you made assumptions about them, and you have negative emotions about them and you can’t treat them well – can you? Why is that? You made guess.
Key point to think through here, who is beginning to damage the relationship? Is it them or is it you? Did you verify the truth, or do you continue to make assumptions?
Back to the story. Are you curious to know what Saul does next? Let’s keep reading.
1 Samuel 18:17 Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the LORD.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”
The third thing we see is that assumptions always lead to negative action. How far was Saul willing to go? Saul creates a situation to have David killed. How did Saul get here? Saul made an assumption. That assumption was the entry point for anger and jealousy. Those emotions swirled over time and grew. Saul couldn’t treat David well. Then finally, Saul was ready to kill. I think it’s okay to say that Saul’s assumptions became toxic.
We would never do that – right? That’s just a story in the Bible – right? Plus, we never tried to kill anyone. Actually, this story is a story about us. Have you ever made an assumption and it lead to you ending a relationship? Have you left a church, quite your job, quite your community involvement because you made an assumption? You may not have had someone killed but did you gossip about them to others? Did you try to gain support with others while making the person or organization look bad?
Scripture says this about gossip.
Evil people relish malicious conversation; the ears of liars itch for dirty gossip. MSG Proverbs 17:4
In any small town, school, church, family, business or community organization, gossip will spread wildly. People will constantly tell you things that they know nothing about and treat it like it’s the truth. If you ask them, “Did you confirm this?” The answer will always be, “I heard from so-in-so…” Or, “Well, why else would they do that?”
Just a quick note, if someone is around you and they are negative, divisive, constantly complain or they are sharing information about someone else, stay away. It’s like bait in a trap. Understand, they are trying to invite you into their fake world. They made an assumption. They created and live in a fake world. They are living in the land of unicorns, fairies, Umpa Lumpas and inviting you into it. I think it’s okay to recognize it can lead you into a toxic situation.
So far in this story, we know Saul’s story. We know Saul’s point of view. We know Saul’s assumption was the entry point of anger and jealousy. We know it became so toxic he wanted to kill David. But in this story, we don’t know David’s point of view. We don’t know what is in David’s mind. We don’t know the truth. Let’s verify what David thinks.
1 Samuel 18:18 But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my father’s clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?” NIV
Do you see how assumptions ruin our lives and our relationships? When the truth comes out, David had absolutely no desire to be King. David didn’t even feel worthy to marry the King’s daughter. Isn’t that interesting? Saul’s assumptions ruined Saul’s life and his leadership all because he made an assumption about David. And that is what assumptions do. They ruin our lives and our relationships. Assumptions are toxic. Saul couldn’t see or understand God clearly. Saul couldn’t see or understand himself clearly. Saul couldn’t see or understand David clearly.
Do you know one of the quickest ways you can ruin a relationship? Here is what you do. Make an assumption. It will ruin your emotions. It will make it impossible to treat others well. And ultimately, your assumptions may lead you to kill the relationship. How does that happen? We leave reality and truth and create a fake world. The longer we live in that fake world, the more damage is created.
How do we deal with assumptions? We confirm the truth.
Matthew 18:15-17 If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. MSG
Jesus taught, confirm reality, the truth. Why?
John 8:32 The truth will set you free. GNT
When we confirm reality, we stay in reality. It stops us from creating a fake world that ruins us and our relationships.
But here is the problem, that’s not normal for us is it? Chances are, it’s not normal for us to confirm the truth of what is happening. It can be very difficult to talk and ask questions to find the truth. Chances are, this may not have been modeled for you as a child.
Karen and I have been married for almost thirty years. It amazes me to this day that every natural desire in me to love Karen is the exact opposite of what she wants to feel loved. Early in our marriage, before kids and chaos, people would be in our house. As the dinner is ending, I thought about Karen and wanted to help her. So, I assumed the best way to help her was to get up, gather the plates, cups, leftovers, whatever to help her. Why? Because I am full of love, I give, I serve, that’s who I am.
How was that received? Not well at all. All my assumptions were wrong. She wanted to sit and relax more with people, and I was just rushing the moment. Later I was stunned to be in an argument. And you can imagine, it didn’t go good. I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t see that I was trying to love her. And as we argued, I began to assume she was just disappointed in me and began to have tons of negative emotions about her. It took me a long time to confirm reality. She wasn’t disappointed in me, she just wanted to hang out more.
Why don’t we want to confirm reality? Because it’s easier to avoid possible confrontation. Guys, when you are in an argument with your wife, what do you think is the easiest thing to do? Agree with her so that she stops talking. You don’t want to go through the pain of an argument. You just want to avoid confrontation. Remember Sam’s talk last week? The easier thing to do actually makes a hard life harder and the harder thing to do actually makes a hard life easier.
The only way to stay in reality and not create and live in a fake world is to verify the truth. Ask yourself, when something happens that I don’t like or understand, do I make assumptions or do I confirm reality? If you don’t confirm reality or truth, I want you to remember King Saul’s story. Saul made an assumption. Saul allowed negative emotions to control him. Saul was unable to love David. Saul ultimately tried to kill David. Through this whole story we discovered, David never wanted to be king.