The first part in our Journey to Freedom and Courage series dealt with soul issues. Then we made a shift into relationships. Sam opened this up with the talk about how we love. Remember what he said was required? We have to do the hard things and create space in our lives to be able to love. Sam explained that if we do the hard things today, life is easier tomorrow. If we just do what is easy, our lives will become so much harder. And if we are living a life that is jam packed and struggling to get everything done, we won’t have the space to love others.
Then we talked about the quickest way to ruin relationships. I’ll be sharing that talk next week at MRG. What is one of the fastest ways to wreck relationships? Make an assumption and never verify the truth. What happens when we make assumptions about people? We begin to have negative emotions about that person. We then change how we treat them. And then ultimately, unless we do something about it, assumptions will end our relationship.
Today we talk about the one critical skill we all need. It is the skill that will make or break your relationships. I want to start and share with you what Mother Teresa said.
It is easy to love people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.
The greatest disease in the West today is not tuberculosis or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love.
At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by, “I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless and you took me in.”
I like the line she shared. It is easy to love people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Why is this? Because when you do life with people, you will clash with them. The closer you are to someone, the messier and harder it can be to love them. And because of this, it can be easier to love people far away than love those close to us.
Paul said, if I can’t love, I have no value. And that starts at home and our closest relationships.
1 Corinthians 13:2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. NIV
Why can loving people closest to us be so hard? Why is it messy? You probably want me to tell you, because they are weird, they have issues, and they are hard to love. That might be true, but we need to look at ourselves. Many times, the reason it is hard to love those closest to us is, we have an agenda, and our agenda can become selfish. There is nothing wrong with having an agenda but when it turns selfish, it can do damage to the relationships closest to us.
How do we know when our agenda has become selfish? When we treat people differently based on what we get from them. When we treat people differently, we are treating people like objects. They are things we use to get what we want. There are three kinds of people around us.
The first kind of person, someone who can help us.
If someone can help us with our agenda, they are an object we like. We can use them to get what we want. We are nice to them. We think and say positive things about them. We are okay being around them. All is good because they are giving us what we want. They are nice to us, so we are nice to them.
A boyfriend wanting sex before marriage will like his girlfriend if she has sex. A pastor who gives us a title will be a good pastor if they give us what we want. We like the boss who gives us a promotion. We like the coach who starts our child.
The second kind of person, someone who stands in our way of what we want.
If someone stands in the way of our agenda, they are an object we are disappointed with. We don’t like them because they aren’t giving us what we want. They frustrate us. They aren’t giving us what we want, so we aren’t nice to them. We think and say negative things about them. All is not good because they are standing in our way of getting what we want. We may even end a relationship with them.
A parent is a bad parent when they say, ‘no’. A girlfriend is a disappointment when she says no to sex until marriage. A pastor is a disappointment if we don’t get what we want from them. A boss giving someone else a promotion means we treat the boss differently. We talk negatively about the coach who sits our child.
The third kind of person, someone who has no value to us.
If someone has no value to us, we treat them like an object to be ignored. They have no use to us because they can’t help us get what we want. Because they have no value, we don’t slow down to notice, listen to them, or be kind to them. We are okay rushing by them. We don’t care about what is happening in their lives.
People in line at a store. People you don’t know at work or school or church. People who clean the offices. People in the background of your life. The overwhelmed cashier.
Do you see it? We have agendas and when our agendas become selfish, we treat people like objects. They are things we use to get what we want. And we treat them differently based on what we get from them.
Let’s read what Jesus said.
Matthew 5:45-47 This is what God does. He gives his best – the sun to warm and the rain to nourish – to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. MSG
Jesus taught that God doesn’t treat people like objects. God treats everyone the same. He gives His best to everyone regardless. And if we are only nice to people who are nice to us, there’s nothing special about us. Any run-of-the-mill sinner lives like that. That’s normal in our culture.
But what if we didn’t see people as objects to get what we want from them, but we simply saw them as people? What is unique about being a disciple of Jesus, we are supposed to treat everyone the way we want to be treated. We call it the Golden Rule.
Jesus gave it to us.
Matthew 7:12 In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you. NIV
How would you like to be treated? You probably want to be treated like a person, not like an object to be used.
Imagine treating everyone the same regardless of how they help you with your agenda or not. Imagine a family, or church, or work site where everyone treated everyone the way they wanted to be treated.
Now just a quick note here. There are times in parenting when you must discipline the kids and that will look different as they grow. There are times at work when you need to hold someone accountable. There are times in marriage when you need to have a critical conversations to move forward. When you read scripture Jesus love the Pharisees but pointed out their hard hearts and hypocrisy. Treating others the way you want to be treated doesn’t mean you don’t say the tough things in love. That’s for another talk.
For the rest of my time today I want to get a little more detailed. Remember that quote from Mother Teresa? It is easy to love people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. I want to talk about how we practically love people who are the closest to us. In general, we just learned that we should never treat people like objects and that starts at home. And the way we do that is, as Jesus taught, we treat people the way we want to be treated. But how do we make this practical in our relationships? Here is the critical skill that will make or break your closest relationships. Ready? We listen to them until we understand how they feel.
I want to share this quote with you.
No one can help anyone without becoming involved, without entering with his whole person into the painful situation, without taking the risk of becoming hurt, wounded or even destroyed in the process… Real martyrdom means a witness that starts with the willingness to cry with those who cry, laugh with those who laugh, and to make one’s own painful an joyful experiences available as sources of clarification and understanding.
Who can save a child from a burning house without taking the risk of being hurt by the flames? Who can listen to a story of loneliness and despair without taking the risk of experiencing similar pains in his own heart and even losing his precious peace of mind? In short: ‘Who can take away suffering without entering it?’
The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be lead out of the desert by someone who has never been there. – Henri Nouwen
I like how he put it, no one can help anyone without becoming involved. And the question he asked was a great question, ‘Who can take away suffering without entering it?’ If you want to love those around you well, we must learn this one critical skill that will make or break our relationships. We listen to them until we understand how they feel. It’s how you enter their world, and you just might cure their feelings of loneliness, despair, or hopelessness.
Let me ask you, does your spouse know you and understand you? Do they know how you are feeling? Wouldn’t it be meaningful if they took the time to listen to you until they understood how you felt? If you are single, those closest to you, do they know and understand you? Do they know how you are feeling? Don’t you wish that someone would take the time to slow down, listen well enough to understand what you are feeling? Wouldn’t that change everything for you?
Let’s keep thinking through this. What’s the greatest gift you can give to your family, your spouse, to your kids, your grandkids, those at church or work? Listen to them until you understand how they feel. I didn’t say you agreed with their feelings. I didn’t say, if they are in sin, you validate their sin. I didn’t say they are right or are coming to the right conclusions. I said, listen to them until you understand how they feel.
But that’s not normal, is it? We live such a fast-paced life, we don’t have the time to listen to those closest to us, do we? We think, we are tired, maybe next week. Our lives are so jam packed with activity; it leaves us worn out. And because we are so tired, we can struggle to have the ability to care for or have empathy. We think I just have no space or margin in my life to listen, maybe when we get through this week. In conversations or arguments, we aren’t listening, we are focused on getting our point across. And as they are talking, we aren’t listening, we are thinking about our response. What happens when two people aren’t listening, instead they are trying to get their point across? They just talk at each other. Nothing is accomplished. We are defensive. We are frustrated. We feel unheard.
What is interesting is, we can’t do for them what we wished they did for us. Here is what we aren’t doing. Listening to the other until you understand how they feel. How is it that we don’t know this skill? Why can’t we slow down and listen. It might be because our agenda turned selfish. And it probably wasn’t modeled for you as a kid. What was it like growing up as a kid? What was your family’s way of communicating? Did they listen to you until you felt like they understood how you felt? Or did everyone clash together? Maybe communicating was through guilt or manipulation or the silent treatment. Or maybe as a kid your thoughts weren’t important. What was normal growing up?
If you want to love those around you well, we must learn this one critical skill that will make or break our relationships. We listen to them until we understand how they feel. And that may be a huge challenge for us, especially if it wasn’t modeled for us.
10 Statements to see if you are good at listening to others. Mentally add up how many of these statements are true for you. And if you want to be brave, ask those closest to you to rate how you listen.
- My close friends would describe me as a responsive listener.
- When people are upset with me, I am able to listen to them without being defensive.
- I listen not only to the words people say but also to the feelings behind their words and their body language.
- I have little interest in judging other people or quickly giving my opinion to them.
- I am able to validate another person’s feeling with empathy.
- I am aware of my defensive mechanisms in stressful conversations [making jokes, appeasing, ignoring, blaming, distracting]
- I am profoundly aware of how the family I was raised in has shaped my present listening style.
- I ask for clarification when listening rather than ‘fill in the blanks’ or make assumptions.
- I don’t interrupt to get my point across when another is speaking, I allow them to talk.
- I give people my undivided attention when they are talking to me.
Source: Emotionally Healthy Relationships
For a deeper dive into understanding this skill, we go deeper this Wednesday night to teach this skill. If you can’t make it, let us know and we can send you the YouTube link.
Let’s close with this.
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. NIV
Do you treat people differently based on what you get from them? For example: If you get what you want, you like them and are nice to them. If you don’t get what you want, you don’t like them and aren’t nice to them. If they don’t have value to you, you ignore them.
Did you know, if you treat people differently based on what you get from them, you might be treating people like an object?
The challenge from scripture that says, ‘If all you do is love the loveable, do you expect a bonus?’ Can you personalize that and begin to treat everyone the same?
How do you love those closest to you? What would they say?
How did you score on the listening test? How many of the ten were true for you?
Do you listen long enough to understand how they feel?