What I love about the Bible is, it answers every practical question we have about life. We are in a study of Philippians. So far, scripture has given us the answers to the following questions. What does it mean that we can make our plans, but God decides my steps? What is the core of Christianity? How do we live with ferocious courage? How do we live as Christians in a world that hates Jesus? All those questions were answered as we walked through Acts 16 and Philippians 1.
Last week Sam opened Philippians 2. Do you remember what he said? If God’s grace has touched your heart in any way, it will show up in your relationships. Paul taught this is how your relationships should be. Be united. Walk with one purpose. Focus on our common ground, Jesus. Remember Sam talked about how hard that can be? Getting everyone together in church or family or marriage to live this out can be like herding cats.
Sam explained why it’s so hard. What’s our tendency? Our tendency is to focus on our differences. We struggle to be united. We struggle to focus on our common ground, Jesus. We tend to pull away from friendship or church or marriage and then tell others how we feel alone. What are we supposed to do? First, Sam said something very important. We must understand that feeling you may have, ‘I feel alone,’ that is your enemy’s goal. Your enemy wants to separate you from God and from others. He wants you to pull away. He wants you to feel alone. Why? Because when you are alone, you can be taken out faster. That’s why Sam read Philippians 2. Be united. Live with one purpose. Let’s read it again.
New International Version.
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. NIV Philippians 2:1-4
Same scripture in The Message Version.
1-4 If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care-then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. MSG Philippians 2:1-4
Here is what we know about people, God, and relationships. Couple of general facts.
First. As much joy as people can bring to you in a relationship, is as much pain as they can bring to you. It’s life. You were created to be in relationships and as you experience people, you will feel hurt, and you will feel joy. And in that exchange of hurt and joy, as you walk through life, you will discover the challenge of absorbing hurt and giving back love. And you will discover the importance of being in a relationship with Jesus.
Second. Your heart condition will show up in your relationships. If you are healthy, you will bring joy and encouragement to those around you. If you aren’t healthy, you won’t be able to do that. If you have hurts in your heart that have not been dealt with, chances are, you are hurting people today. If you have been fully healed and experience God’s grace, chances are, you are better at loving people today.
Third. God cares more about who you are becoming than your temporary happiness. That means you may walk through hard relationship times and through that, God is shaping your heart. In marriage, the saying goes, ‘It’s a holy conspiracy.’ That means, God puts you in a relationship to someone you are attracted to. Then you discover the person you are attracted to is different from you. In that moment it’s time to discover things about myself and grow up spiritually. It’s a holy conspiracy to help us grow up.
Fourth. Your spiritual maturity can be measured in how you treat people who mistreat you. Your spiritual maturity, or lack of, comes out in how you respond. What did Jesus say about dealing with people who mistreat you?
44 I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. 46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? NLT Matthew 5:44-46
Fifth, if you can’t love others, according to scripture, you’re spiritually dead inside. Please hear me. When it comes to church, religion, God stuff, it all boils down to loving others. It’s not about religion or formalities. It’s not about knowledge, although that’s good. It’s not about your title. It’s about you experiencing God’s reckless love and sharing that with love those around you. If you really want to measure your spirituality, then answer this one question. How are you at loving those who are the closest to you when they disappoint you?
Let’s go back to Philippians. I want to continue to build off of what Sam said last week. Today, Paul tells us what not to do.
Philippians 2:1-4 NIV
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Paul is making clear, if you wear the label ‘Christian,’ then it should change how you enter into relationships. If you want to claim you are a disciple of Jesus, it changes how you do relationships. The first thing Paul points out is, make a choice, don’t be selfish. Don’t do anything out of selfish ambition.
Why?
Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. NIV James 3:16
Don’t be selfish. Why? Because where there is selfishness, there is disorder, confusion, and it ruins everything that is good. Selfishness is toxic. It always ruins healthy relationships.
What is selfishness? It’s when I seek my happiness at the expense of others. You can seek happiness. You should seek happiness. It’s good to be happy. But selfishness is different. Selfishness is seeking your happiness at the expense of others. Basically, it means we live with a ‘me first even if it hurts you’ attitude.
Jesus taught the opposite.
26 Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave – 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. NIV Matthew 20:26-28
Jesus taught, if you are my disciple, if you want to wear the label ‘Christian,’ you live the way I lived. I came, not be served, but to serve. Jesus wasn’t a ‘me first even if it hurts you’ person. He wasn’t selfish in any way. That’s why Paul wrote, if God has impacted your heart in any way, it should show up in your relationships. You should enter into your relationships differently. Your must make a choice to not be selfish. That means, I will not ‘seek my happiness at your expense.’
Today, I want to go deeper. I want to slow down and share four clear ways to identify selfishness. Four traits of a selfish person.
Trait #1: There is one way to do things – my way.
Selfish people struggle to see there are other ways to do things. Why? To them, their way is right and to do it another way means it’s not done the right way. And in the process of doing it another way, it makes them feel like they are losing control. To grab and keep their control, they will complain, talk, and argue until you do things their way. Why? Because there is only one way to do things – their way.
In marriage, if you don’t do things in a certain way, there will be a price to pay. What is the price? They will not stop sharing their disappointment. When you do things a different way, instead of being relaxed and flexible and just going with it, they let you know the things that will go wrong if you do it your way. They wait till something does go wrong and remind you that you didn’t choose their way. Why? Because there is only one way to do things – their way.
Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t share your thoughts to keep the peace. But it should make you think through, am I rigid or flexible? What’s it like to be in a relationship with me?
What happens over time? After years of this, the people around the selfish person get tired and stop taking initiative. They think, ‘Why take initiative, everything I do is wrong.’
Trait #1: There is one way to do things – my way.
Trait # 2: I’m never wrong, maybe I’m just ‘less right.’
For a selfish person, saying, ‘Sorry’ doesn’t happen easily. That would be admitting they are wrong. They would rather fight to be right than say I’m sorry and get along with others. Selfish people struggle to see when they are wrong. In fact, they are confused if you think they are wrong because that’s not even an option. They tend to just dig in deeper and repeat their thoughts. If needed, they will push all your hot buttons and open old wounds to win an argument.
In marriage, a selfish person would rather prove they are right. They are okay hurting their spouse to win the argument. And at that moment, they miss the point of marriage. Marriage is about allowing God to love your spouse through you. In arguments, the selfish person can’t see that because they are willing to win at all costs. Even if it damages their spouse’s heart. To them, winning is more important than loving.
To be in a healthy relationship, of course you don’t agree on everything to keep the peace, but you have to think through, how far will you go to win an argument? And if you do win, at what cost? Chances are, if you can’t remember the last time you sincerely apologized, it might be a sign you are selfish.
What happens over time? After years of living with this, there will be less and less communication. People around them think, ‘Why try talking, I’m always wrong, they are always right.’ After years of less communication comes less and less emotional connection.
Trait # 2: I’m never wrong, maybe I’m just ‘less right.’
Trait #3: You are the best at dropping the guilt bomb.
Almost like a WWII highly decorated bomber, you are the best. Selfish people are comfortable manipulating others to get what they want. They see people as objects to leverage to get what they want. They manipulate to make sure people do what they want. How? With a guilt bomb. That means they will tell you what they want and if you don’t do what they want, you will pay a price for it. There might be tears. There might be arguments. In discussions to resolve things they are always easily hurt. In school we call it peer-pressure. “Do what we want you to do, or we will reject you.” In families we call it a guilt trip. “Do what I want, or you won’t be accepted, you won’t be treated normally.” In marriage we call it manipulation. We withhold sex or give the stone-cold silent treatment.
What is happening? We use guilt to get those around us to do what we want them to do. That means we send a message, ‘Do what I want or pay the price, I will make you feel terrible about yourself.’
What happens over time? Actually, guilt bombs work, for a while. Then after years of the emotional pain from guilt, the people around the selfish person begin to check out of the relationship. They become so tired from the emotional weight of it, they pull away. Guilt just becomes too heavy.
Trait #3: You are the best at dropping the guilt bomb.
Trait #4: It’s their fault I am who I am.
No, it’s you. Selfish people do little to put effort into a relationship while at the same time complain about the lack of effort others give to them. They complain about how they feel alone but at the same time they never engage people around them. Worst of all, they are easily hurt. You can’t seem to ever do enough to make them happy. And if you ask them what is happening, they will never point to themselves, they will point to those around them and say, “It’s their fault I am who I am.” And you would love to tell them, “No, it’s you.” But you can’t because you know they are easily hurt, and they would be offended and of course it leads to arguments.
In marriage, the selfish person seems to have a list of past grievances. Almost like they are trying to win a court case. When they talk to others, they present this list as proof as to why they can’t be loving to their spouse. You hear the long list and think wow that’s terrible. Truth is, they have missed the point of marriage. To allow God to love their spouse through them. The selfish person won’t do this. They will blame their spouse for their decision to not love. They would say, “It’s their fault I am who I am – I don’t know if I even want to try anymore.” Of course, you don’t, a selfish person would naturally stop trying.
Scripture explains real love.
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. MSG parts of 1 Corinthians 13:7
What happens over time? After years of hearing excuses as to why the selfish person refuses to make the choice and love well, it gets old. And when love leaves the relationship, all that is left is tit-for-tat. They begin to measure everything. It’s like a contract. I will do this if you do that.
Trait #4: It’s their fault I am who I am.
Trait #5: I wish so-in-so was here to hear this message.
The thing about selfishness is, it’s hard to see sometimes. In a talk like this, it can be easier to think how others need to hear this while at the same time not seeing that we struggle with selfishness. And that could be a red flag. An indicator that you are more selfish than you realize.
That’s why Jesus taught the following.
41“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 42 How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye. NLT Matthew 5:41-42
What will make today meaningful for you is if you ask God to show you what is happening in you. Ask God, am I seeking my happiness at the expense of others? If you are married, God, am I loving my spouse the way You want me to love and support them?
Trait #5: I wish so-in-so heard this message.
Do you see how toxic selfishness becomes in your relationships? Do you see how selfishness wears people down? Do you see how it destroys relationships?
Paul said, if God’s grace has impacted your heart in any real way, it will show up in your relationships. If you are going to wear the title, ‘Christian,’ it means something. It changes the way you enter into relationships.
Have you changed the way you enter relationships? Has the grace and power of God changed your heart? That love from Jesus that you experienced, is that what you have been sharing with those closest to you?
Do you see the four selfish traits in you?
For you, is there one way to do things – your way – and if not do you get unnerved and unsettled until people do what you want them to do?
For you, are you never wrong – maybe ‘less right’? You can’t remember the last time you gave a sincere heart felt, ‘I’m sorry.’
For you, are you a WWII highly decorated guilt bomber to get people on your agenda? If people don’t do what you want, are you okay making them feel terrible about themselves?
For you, have you decided that you will not love others and blame them for it? Are you listing all the bad things they do because you are trying to win a court case? Are you trying to win a court case or are you trying to win their hearts? Have you given up on loving? If scripture says love never gives up, what happened to your love?
I want to close by answering this question. What do we do if we see selfishness in us? Because truth is, we all have selfishness in us. We all, at times, seek our personal happiness at the expense of others. What do we do? How do we live like Jesus showed us to live? How do we treat people who hurt us? Maybe my marriage is stale or in crisis, how do I respond?
Please hear me. You remember how Jesus treated you and you never forget it. Jesus gave up ‘God status,’ to come and die for you. Jesus risked everything not knowing if you would ever respond to Him. And Jesus decided, I will take that risk. And every day you rejected Jesus; Jesus still offered you His love.
That’s why Paul said,
If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care-then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front.
I want to close with this. If you decide to continue to walk in selfishness, I want to challenge you. Are you a disciple of Jesus? Should you be wearing the label ‘Christian?’ Paul taught, if God has impacted your heart in any real way, we need to make a decision in how we enter into relationships.