Nov. 23, 2025

Have you discovered that people in your life can make everything better?  And have you discovered that people in your life can make everything harder?  That’s why we are in a series called 'The Unavoidable Adventure: Life with People.'  Life with people can make your life better and harder.  And in this series, we are trying to avoid the superficial talk that deals with tips and techniques on how to deal with people.  We are trying to figure out the real source of why relationships can be hard and what we can do about it.

Week one, to begin to figure relationships out, we must start with, we all have an origin story.  That means we all come from somewhere.  We all have a past, an upbringing, and a family or origin, which is the most powerful way our lives are shaped. 

Week two, we said, like wet cement, our family impacts us.  As we grow older, that cement hardens, and we live out that imprint without giving it much thought.  And to discover how that imprint influenced us, we invited you to take an assessment. 

Last week, Sam talked about how our family influences our lives today.  He asked three questions.  First question: Can you be the same person here at church that you are at work, that you are at home, that you are when you are alone?  That is differentiation.  Second question: Are you able to hear God in your life through all the white noise and negative messages?  That is discernment.  Third question: Are you able to allow The Gospel (what God has done for you through Jesus) to shape your life, how you view yourself, and how you view other people?  That is discipleship.

Sam challenged us to see ourselves through the gospel message, what God has done for us through Jesus.  Remember this verse he gave us?

Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy [set apart] and dearly loved... NIV

That’s you.  Chosen.  Set apart.  Dearly loved.   

I want to start today by giving us a picture of what it looks like to be a super healthy person in relationships.  Here are seven qualities to help paint that picture.

You have experienced God’s grace, love, and forgiveness, and you want others to experience that from you.  You’re not easily offended or hurt, or defensive.  You’re relaxed, transparent, maybe even with humor.  You don’t need the approval of others to feel good about yourself.  You’re able to openly talk about your weaknesses, failures, and mistakes.  When others hurt you, it doesn’t agitate you too much; you are able to respond with grace.  Lastly, you are able to resolve conflict in a clear, direct, and respectful way, avoiding unhealthy behaviors you may have learned growing up in your family, like painful putdowns, control, passive-aggression, avoidance, escalating tensions, or going to a third party rather than to a person directly. 

Here is the big question.  Does this list describe you?  Okay, let’s say it does.  Follow-up question: Does this list describe you when you are tired, overwhelmed, and someone at work didn’t do their work again, making more work for you?  Oh boy.  Last question: Does this list describe you when, after years and years of being in a disappointing relationship, your spouse, or someone very close to you, continues to disappoint you?  You see, relationships have a way of wearing us down and revealing who we really are on the inside. 

In general, we are at our best when we are comfortable and unprovoked.  It’s like when you walk into your Holiday family dinner, everyone is in a good mood.  A couple of hours later, however, old unresolved things can pop up in conversations.  Old hurts can be reopened.  Simple comments and jabs might make you feel defensive.  Old small arguments can pop up.  The unspoken feeling that you feel like a disappointment seems to raise its ugly head.  Then all of a sudden, your emotions can creep in and ruin your good mood.

Remember, we said God asks us to love others well.  But when we spend time with people, it can get messy.  We see this in our marriage, our families, work, church, and in the community.  When we do life with people, we emotionally rub up against them, and they bug us.  Can you connect with that?  Maybe they criticize you or do something that makes you feel sensitive.  Maybe they wear you out.  Maybe they hit that topic you want to avoid, and you feel anxious or defensive. 

What is happening?  People are hitting a sore spot, and you are having an emotional reaction.  The common term people use is triggered.  For some, it’s a small reaction.  For others, the reaction can be intense. 

Some examples.  You just get home from work.  The family has been relaxing and watching TV.  You are tired and feeling overwhelmed.  You are about to make dinner, and you see that no one in your house has unloaded the dishwasher.  You are so defeated and angry, but you stuff your emotions.  Instead, you start slamming things, so everyone knows you are upset.  They ask, ‘Are you okay?’  Your answer, ‘I’m fine.’  But you are not. 

You're in a discussion with your spouse.  You begin to loop in the argument that you and your spouse can’t seem to overcome.  You go from frustrated to angry.  Your spouse just can’t seem to hear you or understand you.  It’s been this way for years.  It’s maddening.  Then they say, ‘You are acting like your dad, your mom.’  You hit DEFCON 5.  You can’t even process what was said because your emotions are all over the place. 

You're out to dinner with friends.  It’s a fun time and lots of joking.  You are struggling to figure out what you are going to order.  Your friends begin to joke that you take too long, you can’t make up your mind, and you're indecisive.  Then out of nowhere, the joking reminds you of the feeling you had growing up that you come up short and will never measure up.  You completely emotionally shut down, and it ruins your night.

What is happening in those moments?  In the mess of relationships, we emotionally rub up against others, and it can reveal sore spots in our lives.  We feel criticized.  We feel triggered.  We then respond verbally, physically, or emotionally.  We can be overly sensitive, anxious, or defensive.  We realize that we are struggling to rise above negative emotions.  Please notice the result, we go inward, and it stops us from loving others well. 

In those moments, who do we want to blame for our reaction?  Them!  They are clearly, we think, the problem because they started it.  They are insensitive, they are bad, they are wrong, they said the wrong thing.  If your spouse triggers you, who is to blame?  Them, not you, right?  If your teacher in school triggers you, who is to blame? Them, not you, right?  If the people in church, work, or a community group trigger you, who is to blame?  Them, not you, right?

Take a step back for a second.  I want you to see something. 

Romans 2:1b-2 Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn’t so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you’ve done. MSG

Sounds like Jesus telling us to pull the plank out of our eyes before noticing the speck of sawdust in someone else.

Can it be true that the person you are struggling with is at fault?  Yes.  And it is very common for us to point our fingers at others and point out what they have done.  But if we are triggered, we need to go a little deeper.  Why?  Scripture teaches that as you are pointing the finger at the other person, you are not taking ownership of yourself.  The truth is that your emotional reaction is revealing something about you.  Your emotions are telling you that there is something you don’t like about yourself.  Or there is a wound that isn’t healed.  Or there is a secret you are trying to hide.  Something is going on, and it’s stopping you from rising above the negative emotions.  And if you are comfortable blaming others and ignoring what it reveals about you, you will lose the opportunity to find out what is really going on inside of you.  This is what discipleship is all about.  Asking ourselves questions like, Why am I so easily offended or defensive?

I want you to go back to the days when you were a kid.  Do you remember when you broke something as a kid?  The baseball that went through the window.  Your mom’s favorite knick-knack shattered.  You wrestled with your brother, and now there is a hole in the drywall.  What did you do?  You probably tried to hide it, right?  The time period between you breaking the window and the moment your parents knew the truth, how did you feel?  Ugh, it was painful, wasn’t it?  You probably wanted to stay away from your parents, maybe go to a neighbor’s house.  Why?  The last thing you wanted was ‘the talk’ or ‘the spanking.’  And during that time, how did you treat others?  Chances are, you were edgy, you were anxious, you were tense, and defensive.  Why?  Because you knew that the relationship with our parents wasn’t right.

And that is a picture of what is happening when we do life with people and are triggered.  We are broken, wounded, and sinful, and we know it.  We don’t like who we are.  We can live in that shame and disappointment.  And like a kid breaking a window and staying away from dad, we stay away from God.  We are afraid of God, we are nervous, and wrongly believe that He is disappointed in us.  How do we treat others in our lives?  We can be edgy, anxious, tense, and defensive.  And sure enough, people bug us, don’t they?  They annoy us.  They frustrate us.  They reveal the sore spots in our lives.  Their criticisms trigger us, and we respond with emotions, don’t we?  The source of our pain is because of them, right?  Actually, that relationship moment is revealing something about you.  There is something you don’t like about yourself.  There is a wound that isn’t healed.  There is a secret you are trying to hide.  Something is being exposed.  Something needs to be healed or settled with God.

James 1:3 You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. MSG

Difficulties and challenges pressure us, and who we really are on the inside comes out.  That’s what relationships do.  They can squeeze out of us what is really on the inside. 

What do we do when relationships trigger us, make us defensive, or anxious?  It all starts with God.  We have to go to Dad and say, ‘Dad, I broke the window.’  We go to God and admit, ‘God, I’m broken, I’m wounded, I’m sinful, please help me.’  We must own it and get the truth out.

I want to read what happens in that moment.

Romans 10:9-10 This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God - “Jesus is my Master” - embracing, body and soul, God’s work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That’s it. You’re not “doing” anything; you’re simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That’s salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud: “God has set everything right between him and me!” MSG

The window is broken, we get the truth out, we tell Dad, and we discover that Dad still loves us, and Dad fixes the window.  We can relax.  And we think, ‘I wish I had gone to Dad right away.’  When we embrace all of who we are, our contradictions, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and come to God, we experience God’s grace and know that everything is right between God and me.  Then we know everything is right between God and us.  And in that acceptance, we can finally relax.  We can be at peace.  We don’t have to be defensive anymore.  We call this experience grace.  God’s grace.  

How do we treat others in our lives?  Because our relationship with God is settled, the truth came out, the healing has begun, and we can be honest with others.  We don’t have to be fake to make ourselves appear more than who we really are.   We don’t have to hide or pretend when we are with others.  We don’t have to be defensive or anxious when they hit that sore spot.  We don’t have to be tense when people do or say stupid things.  We can finally be free from criticisms, triggers, and negative emotional reactions.  We no longer have to shut down or be defensive.

And that is the big principle today.  

Embrace who you really are, and that includes the messy, wounded, sinful parts too.  When we embrace our mess and go to God, we no longer need to be defensive with others.  

We are finally free from criticism, triggers, and negative emotional reactions that make us defensive.  We are able to be the super healthy person we described in the beginning.  And people can’t take that away from us.  Imagine this Thanksgiving and Christmas being free from all the triggers you are walking into.  Wouldn’t it be great if the truth came out and your relationship with Jesus was settled?  Would it be great if your hurt came out and you started the journey to be healed by Jesus?  Imagine being super healthy and no one being able to take that from you. 

Remember the seven qualities of a healthy person?  You have experienced God’s grace, love, and forgiveness, and you want others to experience that from you.  You’re not easily offended or hurt, or defensive.  You’re relaxed, transparent, maybe even with humor.  You don’t need the approval of others to feel good about yourself.  You’re able to openly talk about your weaknesses, failures, and mistakes.  When others hurt you, it doesn’t agitate you too much; you are able to respond with grace.  Lastly, you are able to resolve conflict in a clear, direct, and respectful way, avoiding unhealthy behaviors you may have learned growing up in your family, like painful putdowns, control, passive-aggression, avoidance, escalating tensions, or going to a third party rather than to a person directly. 

How do we find freedom from criticisms, triggers, and negative emotional reactions?  How do we find freedom from shutting down or being defensive?  It starts with bringing your mess, your wounds, and your sin to God and saying, “This is who I am, I own it, I need You.”  Let the truth out and deal with it.  Then we can be free from being defensive.

10 questions to process.

In relationships, are you easily offended, hurt, and defensive?

How do you react when criticized?

Do some relationships set you off?  How do you emotionally respond?  Anger?  Get quiet?  Get hurt?

When triggered, do you assume the other person is always the problem? 

Are you able to handle and resolve conflicts in healthy ways?

Are you able to have non-emotional discussions about your own weaknesses, failures, or mistakes?

Are you comfortable admitting and embracing all of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly?

Do you go to God with your mess daily?

Those seven qualities of a healthy person, can you be that person when you face criticism or hurt?

Are you able to live in every moment of every day and not be defensive?